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January 6, 2005

Hydrofluoric acid: Not safe for work.

The Metro Times music staff makes its ten-best (and one worst) lists. Ashlee Simpson doesn't fare well.

Speaking of Ashlee, for posterity's sake here's a ramble concerning her Orange Bow(e)l performance, originally posted in the GloNo message boards.

From Glorious Noise: 05 Jan 2005 16:41


The entire halftime show was hopelessly chaotic. All three acts (Kelly Clarkson, Trace Adkins, and Ashlee Simpson) were plagued with sound issues, and the cramped stage didn't seem able to handle the rapidly shifting musician personnel. Approximately 40,000 dancers were leaping to and fro around it for Trace they line danced, but other than that their moves looked like Gregory Hines at an three-day ether frolic.

Because the camera switched to a Goodyear Blimp aerial each time fireworks shot out of the drummer's ass, the entire program was difficult to watch. Close-ups on the artist would cut in rapid succession to the guitarist playing something you couldn't hear anyway, and then just as quickly we'd be out in space, watching the goddamn thing from the International Space Station. Then it was back down to earth for another few close-ups on Kelly or Ashlee, by now obscured by whirling dervish dancers and fighting desperately with their earpiece monitors.

Clarkson probably handled the confusion best. With NO vocal for the first verse, she simply waited for the techs to figure it out, and then launched valiantly and a little off-key into "Since U Been Gone". Adkins, for his part, just seemed annoyed with the whole operation, as if he was just gonna "sing" through it so everyone could get back to watching the Trojans trounce Oklahoma. And Ashlee? Well, "La La" is one of the lamest songs ever written. Coupled with her pained expression, goofy jig, and generally well-meaning, but completely amateur singing voice, it was just a disgrace. Not to mention the oversexed lyrics "You make me want to la la/In the kitchen on the floor/I'm like an alley cat/Drink the milk I want more" which Simpson tried to punctuate with pelvis dancing and out of character ('cause that what she is, a character) tittie shakes. Ashlee, you can't be a hot and sexy singer when a) you can't sing and b) you replace "have sex with you" with "La La". You're already handily ruining music. Don't ruin fucking for us, too.


Posted by Johnny Loftus at January 6, 2005 11:28 AM