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December 8, 2005

Charitable superior. Do it! Men were disguised as elves.

Catherine Zeta Jones, I blame you for my suddenly shitty T-Mobile service. One of your lackeys left a message on my phone recently, describing the “upgrades” you and your team had made to T-Mobile's voicemail system. Well, every day those upgrades seem more like a downgrade. You used to be so friendly in those TV ads. "Get more minutes," you'd coo with the grace of an incredibly foxy schoolteacher. Now it's more like Get More...of Michael Douglas’ Graying Nuts Resting Against Your Ear While You Wait for Us to Fix the Needless Upgrades WE Suddenly Decided to Make. Catherine, your network meddling has made my phone calls fail inexplicably, and my SMS messages never arrive. They're MIA, CZJ. Maybe in your haste you rerouted them to the guy who stole my Corolla. He's a fiber optic villain in his spare time, and his phone's currently blowing up with a months' worth of messages about meeting at The Bronx for drinks later. If you ever fix what you broke I'll send him a photo of my awesome new Volvo 240 wagon. But in the meantime Catherine, you better crawl under that T-Mobile switchboard and pull a few plugs, because something's seriously wrong when a pal's message does manage to reach my voice mailbox and he sounds like an off-duty lye gargler. Whatever you changed, change it back, because I’m about to go Falling Down on your ass.

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"Shakira, like Madonna, can dance for inspiration. But she also pauses for considerations of the heart, and is never afraid to link religion with love or sex. It's all fervor, after all."

Related: "...it turns one of pop's most exuberant singles ever into a solemn meditation on Enigma-like navel-gazing."

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"If rap-metal was ever meant to evolve, See You on the Other Side is the record that does it...it's Korn chopped and screwed."

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"There's a cold wind blowing in from the sea on [Ocean's Here Where Nothing Grows,] and it's never even heard of good news."

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"Even as his vision threatens to outpace his actual music — [Hellbilly Deluxe (Deluxe Edition) ] is [Rob Zombie's] second retrospective in two years — his shtick is still devilishly fun. How could it not be? He throws in everything a growing boy needs — scantily clad bad girls, B-movie mad scientists, midnight creepy-crawlies, and a grand vision of hell that includes serpents, impaled warriors, and topless cavewomen astride bloodthirsty dinosaurs."

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You remind me of Rod Stewart when he was young.

JTL

Posted by Johnny Loftus at December 8, 2005 10:37 AM